In Memoriam...

For the things that don't fit neatly into the other categories.
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e Markle
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In Memoriam...

Post by e Markle »

Gentlemen,
Our lack of an antagonist is more than apparent. I for one, have missed the entertainment value that the good Monsieur MXXXXX (et al., lest we forget RXXXXX) faithfully brought to our estimable forum. While the distraction value alone was worth the numerous readings with which I honored their posts, I must confess the instruction was beyond description. Simply put: I am a better man for their insightful contributions.

I therefore offer this proposal to our troupe: with your consent, I will assume the role of Antagonist Plenipotentiary (or, should you prefer "Pontifex Maximus Pipae"). Please do not misunderstand: in no way do I haughtily assume myself up to the challenge of such a necessary post; instead I offer my services as a sort of proxy until such a time as another of superlative skills in the delicate art of Exasperation emerges. I offer this as a service to those professionals who, in their efforts to help the newest among us, are rapidly becoming frustrated due to the utter lack of dissension and counter-advice from those who are completely ignorant. It is a trying problem, and I will attempt to remedy that here.

With the purest and sincerest of intentions, I therefore submit the following for your profound edification:

As I am ever the innovator in our hobby, I took it upon myself to find the highest quality material for pipe making. Many have said that briar from Greece, Algeria, Italy (and more specifically, Corsica) is the best - such foolishness! No gentlemen, unless you want a product of only mediocre performance, I assure you none of the above will satisfy your needs. Instead I encourage you to look to a new species of lumber for the creation of the finest smoking implements in the history of pipe making, namely, Pinus palustris. While the benefits of the aforementioned timber are too numerous for an exhaustive list here, I will present three points for your careful consideration:
1. It is readily had. Pinus palustris can be found at any Home Depot or Lowe's under the name "two by four".
2. It is inexpensive. By my calculation, pipes could be made for the paltry sum of $.08 per stummel.
3. It is easily worked. The classification of our new found material is a "softwood." This equates to less time on the lathe or sanding disc.

Now, no doubt there will be opposition from you more "seasoned" pipe makers (aka naysayers), but ever the wise Antagonist, I have anticipated your arguments and taken the liberty to carefully address all of your progress-limiting attacks below:
1. Doesn't this wood burn easily? Do you honestly think an innovator such as I would be caught unawares by such an obvious tack? The remedy for this problem is simple: mild steel. I propose that we turn a small chamber lining of mild steel (similar to a calabash bowl) to insert into the larger chamber bore in the stummel. A steel wall of .750" should offer sufficient heat dissipation to prevent our new material from charring excessively.
2. Does the resin in the wood impart unwanted flavor? I refer you to my response to your first frivolous objection. The steel will prevent the alteration of flavor from the pine resin.
3. Isn't the shore D hardness of our new material below 17,563? Simply put: yes. I admit this is my weakest point, but I maintain the belief that with the proper chemical bath, we should be able to change the molecular bonds in the wood and thus ameliorate this small shortcoming.

In summation, Pinus palustris is the way of the future, and I look forward to a brighter tomorrow brought about by the clear and unfettered thinking of minds like my own.

To those who do this professionally: I look forward to refuting your further complaints without regard for any advice you *supposedly* have to offer. For those of you who are thoroughly convinced, you may purchase my premium smoking implements on my website; pricing begins at $18,000 per piece.



Just because I KNOW that someone out there doesn't understand sarcasm: yes, I am of course joking.
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SimeonTurner
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by SimeonTurner »

e Markle wrote:I therefore offer this proposal to our troupe: with your consent, I will assume the role of Antagonist Plenipotentiary (or, should you prefer "Pontifex Maximus Pipae").
I fully support your idea here, Mr. Remarkable; however, i do propose one amendment. I would much rather refer to you as the Pontifex Maximus Smokimae, as then I can tell my wife I was annoyed by the PMS on the PMF.
"It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good - and less trouble."

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andrew
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by andrew »

well, since I'm surrounded by more Pinus palustris than people out here I'm set for life.

I'm quitting my day job today and starting out as the exclusive exporter of Pinus palustris for North Idaho.
e Markle
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by e Markle »

andrew wrote:well, since I'm surrounded by more Pinus palustris than people out here I'm set for life.

I'm quitting my day job today and starting out as the exclusive exporter of Pinus palustris for North Idaho.
You, sir, are sitting on a veritable gold mine.
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frazeeg
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by frazeeg »

Good Sir Markle,

While your theory is a sound one, there are several fundamental flaws that will render the change to pinus palustris a poor choice:

1.) Switching from the more traditional briar to the pinus genus for purely cost constraints will backfire magnificently. Currently, prices for boards from the pinus genus are so abundant and cheap simply because they are not subject to the high demand that will undoubtedly be generated by pipe production. Once we pipemakers begin using the new wood, expect to see stummel prices of as much as $0.10 or, heaven forbid, $0.15 a stummel.

2.) Lining the bowl with metal? Have you not heard of the vast qualities of improvement that the pinus sap has on human longevity? In fact, tobacconists will soon be adding the shredded wood chips of the pinus palustris to their blends, in order to take advantage of said properties.

3.) Only $18,000 for one of your implements? You, good sir, are clearly trying to drive competitors out of business with your underselling. I for one will not stand for it. All those interested, my much-improved smoking instruments, from the finest of pinus palustris, may be yours for the temporary low price of $17,998, and they will far outstrip anything produced by this charlatan.

Your rebuttal, kind gentleman?
-=Pride is not a sin=-
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TRS
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by TRS »

e Markle wrote:
andrew wrote:well, since I'm surrounded by more Pinus palustris than people out here I'm set for life.

I'm quitting my day job today and starting out as the exclusive exporter of Pinus palustris for North Idaho.
You, sir, are sitting on a veritable gold mine.
I would strongly recommend you NOT quit your day job; everyone knows Idahoan pine doesn't hold a candle to Corsican pine....
LAH
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by LAH »

Hail, Pontifex Maximus Pipae!




Abe
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Sasquatch
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by Sasquatch »

Ernie, you're a moron.

And a wanna-be.

And your pipes suck.

But you're not a total fucking asshole. I'm sorry, but you just aren't. You'd perhaps like to be, but you've made too many contra-indicative gestures to too many people.

You're a little bit of an asshole, but it's well within ordinary tolerances, I'm afraid (and the tolerances are even wider for pipemakers).

I dub thee: Tubo Manufacturus Regularis
ALL YOUR PIPE ARE BELONG TO US!
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Alden
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by Alden »

I know I havent been around long, but I always knew you were the most intellergent pipemaker on the whole forum.
Now you have provered it.
I'm not just saying that to suck up either, you're a BRILLIANT man.
We'll ride this gravy train straight to the bank son !
Though I prefer to call you Pontius Pinus (if thats alright).
e Markle
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by e Markle »

Edward wrote: Though I prefer to call you Pontius Pinus (if thats alright).
er... I'm *highly* uncomfortable with that title :)
Sasquatch wrote:Ernie, you're a moron.

And a wanna-be.

And your pipes suck.

I dub thee: Tubo Manufacturus Regularis
The first three are probably all true. The last is quite fitting.
LAH wrote:Hail, Pontifex Maximus Pipae!

Abe
Abe is a strategic thinker... there may be a position for him in the new regime.
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KurtHuhn
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by KurtHuhn »

Remarkable, you're an idiot. This subject has been covered extensively in the past, and apparently you're too lazy, or perhaps too arrogant, to use the search function.

The wave of the future is, of course, red oak. Identified by the sweet smell reminiscent of coyote urine, this wood is perfect for the lighter tobaccos that are all the rage with the kids these days since it imparts a pleasing aroma unique to that wood species.

Plus, it is a hardwood, and requires no change in tooling or process. All the things we've learned by working the outmoded briar translate directly to this wood. This reduces the learning curve from what would obviously be years with your pine-sol method, down to mere weeks for oak.
Kurt Huhn
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e Markle
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by e Markle »

KurtHuhn wrote:Remarkable, you're an idiot. This subject has been covered extensively in the past, and apparently you're too lazy, or perhaps too arrogant, to use the search function.

The wave of the future is, of course, red oak.
Well, I guess we're just throwing your sense of objectivity right out the window. I *was* going to propose that I send you a sample to get your impartial opinion on the matter, but now you're going to have to spend $1.88 to get your own sample for testing purposes. Ha!

I await the results of your careful analysis so we can put this matter to bed.
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SimeonTurner
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by SimeonTurner »

Dear PMS:

Have you considered the question of how relative humidity in various climes may affect the smoking properties of your suggested alternative here? I am concerned that in a place like Denver, where the relative humidity is low and the altitude is high, my pine pipes may not perform as well with certain Virginia blends which, as everyone knows, are influenced greatly by the porosity of various woods as they are exposed to heat. Have you considered that issue at all, or are you just spouting off like a menstruating woman?
"It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good - and less trouble."

Turner Pipes Website:
http://www.turnerpipes.com

Of Briar and Ashes:
http://turnerpipes.wordpress.com
e Markle
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by e Markle »

SimeonTurner wrote:Dear PMS:

...or are you just spouting off like a menstruating woman?
lol

I just have no response to that.
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Alden
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by Alden »

I prefer to call you Pontius Pinus

I'm *highly* uncomfortable with that title

I figured it was fitting, since you killed briar.....
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KurtHuhn
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by KurtHuhn »

e Markle wrote: Well, I guess we're just throwing your sense of objectivity right out the window. I *was* going to propose that I send you a sample to get your impartial opinion on the matter, but now you're going to have to spend $1.88 to get your own sample for testing purposes. Ha!

I await the results of your careful analysis so we can put this matter to bed.

Ha! Back at you! I was out for a walk and happened upon a construction site where they were actually THROWING AWAY this material you speak so highly of. So, being the frugal and opportunistic type, I inquired if I may have a piece. Fortunately for me, the foreman insisted that if I was going to take any of it, I had to take it all. Three pickup truck loads later and I have all the new pipewood I could possibly need!

Or would, because the instant I put it to the grinding wheel, it burst into flames and vanished. Same thing with every piece. Now my house smells of forest fires and shame. I either need to reduce the speed of my grinding wheel to 2 RPM, or these will truly be HAND made pipes by virtue of being whittled with a knife.

More testing to follow, along with the occasional mild insult or backhanded compliment.
Kurt Huhn
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TRS
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by TRS »

KurtHuhn wrote:Now my house smells of forest fires and shame.
:lol:
PipesByDesign
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Re: In Memoriam...

Post by PipesByDesign »

Whatever you choose for your new material...don't forget to add emeralds...and spend over eighty hours making each pipe...and charge thousands...because you spent so much time....
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