What is a Pipe Turd?

[WCannoy]

Hi everybody.

I'm new to pipemaking. I just made my first pipe, a backwoods billiard, and I am hooked! I would love to make pipes in my spare time and sell them for a little extra tobacco money, or maybe even turn it into a full time job some day.

I showed my first pipe to a friend yesterday and he told me that it looked like a text book example of one of those "Pipe Turds" that they were talking about over at PMF. That comment was hard for me to hear, but I appreciated his honesty. I know I will not grow in my learning of the craft if people aren't brutally honest when critiquing my work, and I understand that they do not say these things from an attitude of elitism, but from a genuine effort to help me improve.

Being new to the pipe world, however, I'm not exactly sure of what specific things makes my pipe a "turd" when, to my untrained eye, it looks very similar to at least a Dr. Grabow pipe. I'm sure there are plenty of others who are new to the hobby and don't understand this terminology either.

Instead of plugging away at what I'm doing and just coming up with creative descriptions to justify why my pipe doesn't look exactly the same as the "billiard" shape I was going for, I've decided to man up, take some pride and investment in my chosen path, and post some photos here in hopes that you will help me understand what I'm doing wrong.

So here are the photos of my first pipe.

Will you all pitch in and please point out to me some of the things that specifically make this pipe a pipe turd?

[WCannoy]

Oh, a couple of questions I forgot to ask:

I would like to sell my pipes for about $100. Is this a fair price for this pipe?

If not, what is a fair price?

Should I sell it at all? (I could really use some money for more briar!)

[Massis]

You actually made this didn't you?

[WCannoy]

You actually made this didn't you?

Yes. Yes I did. Just this morning.

Seriously though. Let's try to use this as a teaching tool. Say, a "one stop shop" for some basic pointers?

[sandahlpipe]

Here are a few things to work on.

1. Remove the sanding scratches
2. Make the bowl rounder
3. Make the shank close to straight
4. Read on the forum how to close the gap between shank and stem.
5. Don't bend the stem.

Don't sell this pipe. Remove the stem from the stummel and insert into charcoal grill. It will add good flavor to your hamburgers.

Ok. But seriously, there's still a billiard left inside that lump. Go back to the shaping tools and try again.

[Sasquatch]

Is it sold yet?

[wmolaw]

Oh, this is hilarious. Fascinating thing is when I first started to make pipes it was a pre-drilled block and was a POS but I thought it was GREAT! My wife thought it was great, my son did as well and many friends were, oh so impressed!

But it was a turd, no doubt. I've made about ten or so since then and progressed some in my engineering and aesthetics. Then life got in the way and a pipe making hiatus had to be called for over a year though I've had a great time lurking here, there, everywhere and, of course, smoking pipes!

I'm about to go back into it, not to sell pipes really, but to make things of beauty which are functional. And have to say this forum is one of the truly remarkable resources for a pipe maker, ANYWHERE! And the time and effort the accomplished carvers provide is just invaluable, whether their discussions be about how to physically do X on a pipe or in the more generalized areas such as the ones TJ opined on.

I sure as hell ain't an expert but so many times I want to respond to a post on FB or elsewhere when someone puts up a pipe that I literally have to walk away from my computer so as not to do it. Fact is they are not really looking for comments/critiques, they're looking for attaboys.

This forum gives critiques and the folks here seem to understand that. When posts put up here are transcribed to other forums they are always being taken out of context.

Oh, well, this too shall pass methinks and I would bet it won't affect TJ one way or the other.

[oklahoma red]

OMG Bro! A freshly extruded Pipe Turd! It's magnificent!
Asking $100!?!?!?!? Are you shitting me?!!! It's easily worth 3 or 4 (gentle reader, please insert your zeros here or perhaps omit them)!
You are an inspiration to pipe makers everywhere! You've finally pushed me over the edge to start making some too. I have a railroad tie that fell off of a semi I was following the other day (dang near went thru my radiator). I grabbed that sucker up and hauled it to the barn. Looks like that mortician stuff everyone is talking about that's been in the swamp for a few bazillion years. Smells a bit funky right now but I'll bet it'll flavor up the 'baccy real good. Ought to be able to get 30 or 40 Turds out of it.
Can you help me with a couple of technical questions? I have a bunch of copper tubing from my ole granpap's still out in the back yard. Do you think I could make some stems with it? And finally do you think some of my beard oil would make a good Turd finish?
Your pal,
Zeke

[Massis]

I'll comment on what used to be the first comment on pretty much everyone's first pipe on here when I just joined: remove move material!

About this much:

[WCannoy]

Red, that's funny as hell, but I'm sending you to "time-out"

I made this pipe so that we wouldn't have to "ridicule" someone else's example by giving it our usual harsh critique. Let's take this opportunity to teach!

Jeremiah, Massis, thanks for your input. Does anyone else know of any ways to improve this turd?

[JMG]

You typically are going to want the bend in the stem to be parallel with the top of the bowl, unless the pipe should be straight in which no bend is needed...which is the case here.

The rusticated spot on the bottom looks good bit like worm tracks. This may have been intentionally, but it will rarely find market willing to buy it.

See Massis' photo for the rest.

[Massis]

I'd say: don't rusticate your first pipes partially. Either leave them smooth, with or without sandpits & blank spots, or rusticate them completely.

Maybe try and set out a perfect circle on the top of the stummel (using whatever you have such as a lid from a small jar) and make sure you get as close to that circle with removing material.

And as usual: after you get your stem fixed so that the gap is gone (or at least as small as you can achieve), don't remove it untill all shaping & sanding is complete, as you'll round the edges of both and create a new gap


PS: I feel like I'm reiterating the 10 commandments of pipemaking everyone here has been shouting at me and others for the past few years

PS2: Walt, I'd love to see you tackle our tips on this one, taking a few of them at a time, and see how you can ACTUALLY make this turd a decent pipe! That way beginning pipemakers (myself included) can see the "before and after" on a single pipe, and observe the possibilities for their own work.

[WCannoy]

PS: I feel like I'm reiterating the 10 commandments of pipemaking everyone here has been shouting at me and others for the past few years

Yes, but they seem to be scattered all over the place. Very difficult for a new maker to compile.

PS2: Walt, I'd love to see you tackle our tips on this one, taking a few of them at a time, and see how you can ACTUALLY make this turd a decent pipe! That way beginning pipemakers (myself included) can see the "before and after" on a single pipe, and observe the possibilities for their own work.

I have actually already considered that! Working only from the criticism received here. I might just do it!

[oklahoma red]

Red, that's funny as hell, but I'm sending you to "time-out"

I made this pipe so that we wouldn't have to "ridicule" someone else's example by giving it our usual harsh critique. Let's take this opportunity to teach!

Jeremiah, Massis, thanks for your input. Does anyone else know of any ways to improve this turd?

Now I'm crushed. How dare you!! F***king elitist asshole! See if I ever say anything good about your Turds again! I'll tell you what to do to improve it: PUT IT BACK IN THE ORIFICE FROM WHENCE IT CAME!
Now put that in your Turd and SMOKE IT!!!!!
I will do everything in my power to put your Turd factory out of business! I've got a big ole bung plug I've been dying to find a use for.
Your new enemy,
Zeke

[Thomas Tkach]

While this pipe needs a straight stem, when you do a bent pipe, give it a gradual curve, not one bent sharply in just one area.

P.S. This should be stickied!

[Alden]

PS2: Walt, I'd love to see you tackle our tips on this one, taking a few of them at a time, and see how you can ACTUALLY make this turd a decent pipe! That way beginning pipemakers (myself included) can see the "before and after" on a single pipe, and observe the possibilities for their own work.

I have actually already considered that! Working only from the criticism received here. I might just do it!

Now THAT is a useful idea. How to fix this pipe, one step at a time.
First I'd say straighten out the bottom line of the pipe.Take out the lumpy chin under the bowl.

[pipedreamer]

If I buy more than one,will you give me a price break?When you set the price,Ha Ha. I'm starting me a collection.I know you are a master Pipe Maker and I want toget in on this early so I can show my friends!!They can keep you busy.Do you figure ut will take more than a week to get all of them?email me Turdlector@ lookame.comic.
P.S.
Thanks Mr. CAMMOY. oh I thought I might tinker with it and see if I can use it sos I can make pipes.

[pipedreamer]

Walt, this is a great idea. One picture is worth a thousand words!

[Massis]

I'm honestly wondering
A) how hard it was for you to deliberately mess al this up in a way that would be realistic
B) how much it pains you to do this, knowing you can do much better.

[WCannoy]

Thanks Mr. CAMMOY.

Oh, you're gonna git it!