In Memoriam...
Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:44 pm
Gentlemen,
Our lack of an antagonist is more than apparent. I for one, have missed the entertainment value that the good Monsieur MXXXXX (et al., lest we forget RXXXXX) faithfully brought to our estimable forum. While the distraction value alone was worth the numerous readings with which I honored their posts, I must confess the instruction was beyond description. Simply put: I am a better man for their insightful contributions.
I therefore offer this proposal to our troupe: with your consent, I will assume the role of Antagonist Plenipotentiary (or, should you prefer "Pontifex Maximus Pipae"). Please do not misunderstand: in no way do I haughtily assume myself up to the challenge of such a necessary post; instead I offer my services as a sort of proxy until such a time as another of superlative skills in the delicate art of Exasperation emerges. I offer this as a service to those professionals who, in their efforts to help the newest among us, are rapidly becoming frustrated due to the utter lack of dissension and counter-advice from those who are completely ignorant. It is a trying problem, and I will attempt to remedy that here.
With the purest and sincerest of intentions, I therefore submit the following for your profound edification:
As I am ever the innovator in our hobby, I took it upon myself to find the highest quality material for pipe making. Many have said that briar from Greece, Algeria, Italy (and more specifically, Corsica) is the best - such foolishness! No gentlemen, unless you want a product of only mediocre performance, I assure you none of the above will satisfy your needs. Instead I encourage you to look to a new species of lumber for the creation of the finest smoking implements in the history of pipe making, namely, Pinus palustris. While the benefits of the aforementioned timber are too numerous for an exhaustive list here, I will present three points for your careful consideration:
1. It is readily had. Pinus palustris can be found at any Home Depot or Lowe's under the name "two by four".
2. It is inexpensive. By my calculation, pipes could be made for the paltry sum of $.08 per stummel.
3. It is easily worked. The classification of our new found material is a "softwood." This equates to less time on the lathe or sanding disc.
Now, no doubt there will be opposition from you more "seasoned" pipe makers (aka naysayers), but ever the wise Antagonist, I have anticipated your arguments and taken the liberty to carefully address all of your progress-limiting attacks below:
1. Doesn't this wood burn easily? Do you honestly think an innovator such as I would be caught unawares by such an obvious tack? The remedy for this problem is simple: mild steel. I propose that we turn a small chamber lining of mild steel (similar to a calabash bowl) to insert into the larger chamber bore in the stummel. A steel wall of .750" should offer sufficient heat dissipation to prevent our new material from charring excessively.
2. Does the resin in the wood impart unwanted flavor? I refer you to my response to your first frivolous objection. The steel will prevent the alteration of flavor from the pine resin.
3. Isn't the shore D hardness of our new material below 17,563? Simply put: yes. I admit this is my weakest point, but I maintain the belief that with the proper chemical bath, we should be able to change the molecular bonds in the wood and thus ameliorate this small shortcoming.
In summation, Pinus palustris is the way of the future, and I look forward to a brighter tomorrow brought about by the clear and unfettered thinking of minds like my own.
To those who do this professionally: I look forward to refuting your further complaints without regard for any advice you *supposedly* have to offer. For those of you who are thoroughly convinced, you may purchase my premium smoking implements on my website; pricing begins at $18,000 per piece.
Just because I KNOW that someone out there doesn't understand sarcasm: yes, I am of course joking.
Our lack of an antagonist is more than apparent. I for one, have missed the entertainment value that the good Monsieur MXXXXX (et al., lest we forget RXXXXX) faithfully brought to our estimable forum. While the distraction value alone was worth the numerous readings with which I honored their posts, I must confess the instruction was beyond description. Simply put: I am a better man for their insightful contributions.
I therefore offer this proposal to our troupe: with your consent, I will assume the role of Antagonist Plenipotentiary (or, should you prefer "Pontifex Maximus Pipae"). Please do not misunderstand: in no way do I haughtily assume myself up to the challenge of such a necessary post; instead I offer my services as a sort of proxy until such a time as another of superlative skills in the delicate art of Exasperation emerges. I offer this as a service to those professionals who, in their efforts to help the newest among us, are rapidly becoming frustrated due to the utter lack of dissension and counter-advice from those who are completely ignorant. It is a trying problem, and I will attempt to remedy that here.
With the purest and sincerest of intentions, I therefore submit the following for your profound edification:
As I am ever the innovator in our hobby, I took it upon myself to find the highest quality material for pipe making. Many have said that briar from Greece, Algeria, Italy (and more specifically, Corsica) is the best - such foolishness! No gentlemen, unless you want a product of only mediocre performance, I assure you none of the above will satisfy your needs. Instead I encourage you to look to a new species of lumber for the creation of the finest smoking implements in the history of pipe making, namely, Pinus palustris. While the benefits of the aforementioned timber are too numerous for an exhaustive list here, I will present three points for your careful consideration:
1. It is readily had. Pinus palustris can be found at any Home Depot or Lowe's under the name "two by four".
2. It is inexpensive. By my calculation, pipes could be made for the paltry sum of $.08 per stummel.
3. It is easily worked. The classification of our new found material is a "softwood." This equates to less time on the lathe or sanding disc.
Now, no doubt there will be opposition from you more "seasoned" pipe makers (aka naysayers), but ever the wise Antagonist, I have anticipated your arguments and taken the liberty to carefully address all of your progress-limiting attacks below:
1. Doesn't this wood burn easily? Do you honestly think an innovator such as I would be caught unawares by such an obvious tack? The remedy for this problem is simple: mild steel. I propose that we turn a small chamber lining of mild steel (similar to a calabash bowl) to insert into the larger chamber bore in the stummel. A steel wall of .750" should offer sufficient heat dissipation to prevent our new material from charring excessively.
2. Does the resin in the wood impart unwanted flavor? I refer you to my response to your first frivolous objection. The steel will prevent the alteration of flavor from the pine resin.
3. Isn't the shore D hardness of our new material below 17,563? Simply put: yes. I admit this is my weakest point, but I maintain the belief that with the proper chemical bath, we should be able to change the molecular bonds in the wood and thus ameliorate this small shortcoming.
In summation, Pinus palustris is the way of the future, and I look forward to a brighter tomorrow brought about by the clear and unfettered thinking of minds like my own.
To those who do this professionally: I look forward to refuting your further complaints without regard for any advice you *supposedly* have to offer. For those of you who are thoroughly convinced, you may purchase my premium smoking implements on my website; pricing begins at $18,000 per piece.
Just because I KNOW that someone out there doesn't understand sarcasm: yes, I am of course joking.